(photo credit Jill Greenberg)

Yup …

That pretty much sums it up …

Had to go to Dr. Barrier today. For the past several weeks, anxiety has been on overload. It’s a common symptom of bipolar disorder

It’s also extremely disruptive.

“My mind refuses to stay in any one place at a time,” I tell him. “I cannot for the life of me function like most people.”

I describe heavy, short breaths, tightening chest, sweaty hands …

“It’s horrible!”

Dr. Barrier acted on this right away.

We had to try to get the frequent bouts of depression and the anxiety under control.

SO …

My anti-depressant was increased …

That’s cool.

Turns out it also helps with anxiety.

Even better.

Now, I’m gonna tell you something about me and my psychotic form of bipolar disorder that I’ve never told you before: Because it is accompanied by a severe OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), I cannot do monthly breast exams.

This is not a possibility for me …

SO …

Ken helps me and Dr. Barrier checks every four months.

Nice, huh?

Yesterday, I wondered what in the world would it feel like to have a mind that was not sick. My daughter does it all—great job, great mom, great daughter—my son too … Kenny is so smart; he has his own business, he’s a great husband, father, son.

It seems everyone but me has a healthy mind.

I gotta be honest with you, God and I really hashed it out.

"God and I really hashed it out"

I came away with no answers.

Only faith.

On my way home from the post office, a brilliant double rainbow was visible in the sky! I came to a red light facing it. I HAD to get a picture … so beautiful! At five o’clock in the evening, there I am, holding up traffic but bound and determined to capture this exquisite scene!

God’s handiwork …

He can do all!

And you know what? I too am part of His creation, just as I am.

No need to wonder anymore; from now on, I will live my life with as much color as those double rainbows …

… and rest assured that, to God, I am just as awesome as they are!

Maybe I got my answer after all.

Much love …


6 thoughts on “This is FRUSTRATION!

  1. Kathleen Bruner says:

    This is my first visit to your blog. I read down through the last few entries. I see so much of many of us in your symptoms and your situations. Thank you for writing this and helping people to understand what life is like for you. Your faith is amazing, as is your husband. I thank God for you and what you are doing to enlighten others! 🙂

  2. leeannjefferies says:

    Kathleen, I thank you so much for your feedback. I have a psychotic form of mental illness.
    I felt it would be OK with God if I exposed my mind with others … maybe it will help them.
    God Bless You … I’m so glad we are fb friends … hope you will keep reading by blog!

  3. Mrs. Mary Joy Pershing says:

    Hi! This is my first visit to your blog. I am so happy that you have a doctor that understands and helps you. And I love how you share your story…the messiness and the joy moments too. The realness is so awesome! My husband suffers from Bipolar Disorder too. I know it is not easy. I struggle with my own issues as well. You are such a blessing! Thank you for bringing a sense of hope and realness to an often misunderstood illness.

    God bless you!

    Mary Joy

  4. Celeste Vaughan says:

    Frustration definitely comes to us all! And at Christmas time??? UUUGGGHHH…as Charlie Brown would say. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything other than depression at one point in my life, but Christmas, writing, blogging, photography, kids, husband, housework, shopping…I’m convinced I’ve developed ADD. But no matter how scattered my brain might be, I know that God is ultimately in control! Thanks for the reminder. I love your “style!”

    Hope you have a merry…and calm…Christmas!

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