Wednesday, December 14:After six days of muddling my way around, I am beginning to feel better. I had been suffering from some kind of nasty paranoia. During these times, I require reassurance that my friends and family love me. I know this is hurtful for them, but they understand. (I love you for that!)
Two special girls in my life fill a certain void and make me feel valid and loved. Most of all, these two know the extent of my illness as few do … it doesn’t matter to them … they love me anyway.
I went to downtown Salisbury last week. Went to one of my favorite stores. I can imagine how sad I must have looked. Like I was in the store but, really, I wasn’t anywhere near there. My mind was slipping in and out … going from one thing to another. Thankfully, I know all the ladies there; the owner … I feel safe there.
The store owner—such a sweet thing—called me over to her.
“Lee Ann, are you alright?” she asked.
“No. Not really,” I replied. “I guess I shouldn’t even be out. You know this bipolar can be horrible!”
Right at that moment, I noticed two hoity-toity women standing nearby that I hadn’t noticed were there. They must have overheard me because they were looking at me as if I were a spectacle at a town carnival!!
Now I’ve disclosed my mental illness AND the severe disorder I have, but let me make it clear: I am FAR from stupid. (Einstein was bipolar for goodness sake!) My intelligence level is just fine … right along with my perception skills! (As a matter of fact, last summer, Dr. Barrier jokingly told Ken he needed to hire me to look at questionable moles! I have found melanoma on six people!!)
Well, needless to say, I went instantly from zero to sixty!
My friend—the store’s owner—noticed me noticing the women and said, “Lee Ann, you don’t still feel the stigma of your disorder, do you? Don’t you think it’s gotten better?”What a joke! If I had thought so, I certainly changed my mind when those two looked down their noses at me. Let me tell you, I’ll knock those noses off before I’ll take THAT mess! … I mean, I was already close to blowing a head gasket and then here they came wanting to judge me???
Okay, let me be fair …
Maybe the stigma surrounding mental illness is getting ever-so-slightly better … but there are patients in heaven who would not have taken this foolishness …
and I wasn’t about to take the scrutiny or stress any longer either!
As I close tonight, I want to thank my family, doctor, preachers, friends, and the two special treasures God sent my way last spring!
Thanks for allowing me to feel like you … for loving me …
Until next time …