In a Flurry of Flashbacks …

I would not wish this anguish on a single living soul …

I woke this morning to a series of flashbacks. These are uncommon but, when they do come, they bring me to my knees.

Memories of my illness swarmed my mind. Memories of the person that illness turned me into. Of unwanted hospital stays and rounds of shock therapy. Of years questioning my value as a wife, a mother. The fear I was never and could never be the woman my husband and children needed me to be.

I rose from the bed, walked to the window for a look, and came to this conclusion:

I can’t live my life like this anymore! I am done! Toast! … God take me home right now! 

That single self-destructive thought sounded off like an alarm. It and it alone could be heard.

I ran—and I do mean ran—got my meds, took them so fast it would make your head spin … it certainly did mine (lol).

Then, with not a moment in between, I completely emersed myself in prayer. Prayer so deep, I became lost in it.

That was the only answer.

After leaning on my God for what seemed like half the day, relief came across my horizon.

At church last Sunday, forty members were chosen to write a devotional for our members to use during Lent.

Get this. The topic was overcoming challenges!

That’s me! Right here! 

And, if my experiences weren’t enough, couple it with the fact that I’m never at a loss for words and you’ve got a heaven-made match. For me, semantics are easier than my ABCs!

Well, if you haven’t guessed already, I was one of the forty chosen.

As I search for God’s will on this devotion, I clearly cannot take credit for any of this.

Oh no! All the glory is His!

Dr. Barrier has remarked several times that he just doesn’t understand how I get along (join the club, Doc).

But see, I get God. And He gets me. It is God who takes me through my dark hours and God who provides the sunlight.

God gives me love through my family and friends.

You see, He knew me long before I did and He has my needs all mapped out!

SO …

It’s not so much that I’ve overcome the challenges … No, they’re still here. But through them (and often because of them), I have grown to love God more and more with each passing day.

Until next time …

Much Love


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10 thoughts on “In a Flurry of Flashbacks …

  1. Kathleen Bruner says:

    You have such insight into what so many of us feel, just on a less invasive level than you do! I pray that your devotional is especially meaningful to those that will read and meditate on it! 🙂

  2. Crystal Dempsey says:

    Lee Ann, your blog has become a favorite of mine. I’m so grateful that you are sharing your story. As someone who loves someone who is bipolar, you are helping shed light on an illness that many people don’t understand and would prefer not to talk about… even in 2012.

  3. rhodalea says:

    I soooo get the struggle with depression and recognize the need to seek God through the pain and in the pain – for God is always there! Another note – very excited for God opening the door for your passions and gifts. A Quote: “When we follow are passions, a way will be made for them!”

  4. Shirlee Mattila says:

    thank you so much for your blog…My friend Elaine sent it to me. I am forwarding it to a friend. God bless you! I look forward to reading more. Please keep me in your loop on future blogs. (I’ve never done it before and don’t know how to keep this on my computer) Seems like I always loose what I want to keep….on the computer is all. Shirlee

    1. leeannjefferies says:

      Hi Shirlee!

      Hi Shirlee!

      Thanks so much for passing me along! I love to hear people are enjoying the blog!

      On the right hand side of the blog, toward the top, there is a button you can push to receive all new entries to your email! Just click the button and sign up!

      Let me know if you have trouble finding it!

      And don’t forget to like me on Facebook!

      Thanks again!

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