Paranoia? … Who wants to know?

I want to tell you about one of the most difficult symptoms of my Bipolar Disorder: Paranoia.

During the last several months, I have regressed in general, suffering much, much more than usual. Not sure exactly why. But Ken and I have gone thru some major life changes lately. I’m sure this hasn’t helped.

You see, Bipolars don’t take well to change. We simply muddle thru and God holds our hand.
It’s times like this though, when my mind simply has had enough, that Paranoia moves in to spread the icing on the cake!

Last Friday, Paranoia and I had a horrific bout. Toe to toe all day. fingers pointing

My Paranoia brings an overwhelming feeling of non-acceptance … Paranoia tells me I’m not included, not loved, talked about … Paranoia leaves me thinking I am the object of ridicule and shame.

Once Paranoia has entered the scene and sufficiently taken over my mind, it leaves me out of control … completely defenseless, unable to fight off its sidekick, Depression.

Depression follows Paranoia around wherever it goes.

Before I can get a handle on the games these two are playing, I suddenly realize my loved ones don’t actually love me at all.

I don’t deserve them.

I am a burden …

People have their own lives, I know. But when Paranoia and Depression visit, I just cannot see that … I love my family and must know they love me. If I don’t get reassurance quickly, my productivity is gone and so am I!

403881_10150607121630469_665490468_11397146_46128588_nI cry non-stop.

But it doesn’t always end there.

You see, Paranoia is like the top of a slippery mountain slope: step one foot on it and the slightest breeze will send you flying down its side, through Rivers of Depression and smack-dab in the middle of the Sea of Self-Destruction. Before you know it, you’re drowning, convinced once and for all that life is just not worth living. You’re tired of fighting and fighting yet always ending back here. Flailing around in Self-Destruction’s cruel tides, on the verge of giving in.

Paranoia is a liar and its lies should NEVER lead to this! But they do … far too often. That’s because it’s so easy for those of us with mental illness to lose control of our thoughts. This is precisely why we MUST talk to someone we trust as soon as we feel our grip of control slipping. Most importantly, we must pray with all our hearts for God to protect our minds, guard our hearts, and show us the way.
Please pray for me too, as I attempt to improve and to get over this “hump” and through these changes.

I’ve started taking tennis lessons … they make me feel like a champ. 🙂

suicide_reach

Before I’m done, I want to make sure my message is clear. It’s too critical to miss. It could be the difference between life and death: If you know anyone with a mental illness, try to understand. They don’t mean to be that way. They don’t want to be that way. Who would? So could you take a moment … be there … your time is precious to them.

And to me.
Thank you.

Until next time …

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6 thoughts on “Paranoia? … Who wants to know?

  1. celestevaughan says:

    I have come across so many people recently suffering with bipolar disorder who are not being medically treated properly. Keep writing LeAnn! Your message is SOOOO important! There are too many people who are not educated and need to be. You are so brave and I love your honesty!

  2. Christina says:

    Wow – this stirred up emotions in me…I almost couldn’t finish reading but then…I just had to. I love reading something that totally pulls me in and I get lost for a moment – a foot in one of your shoes. So glad you are getting outside….the great outdoors can have amazing effects on the mind, body & soul!! ❤

  3. drawingfromexperience says:

    Beth K. Vogt recommended your blog site, and I’m glad she did. You are a gifted writer with an important message. And I am amazed by how brightly your humor shines through. Keep doing what you are doing because you do it so well. -Dave

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