The Ocean

I have great fear and respect for the ocean … one of God’s most beautiful and majestic creations …

Still, my feelings for the unknown deep remain.

Just like my Bipolar Disorder … the changes I go through can happen so quickly and be so drastic they are at times hard to believe, even seeming impossible. Just like the ocean, one minute calm and pure, the next, threatening even the largest ships set upon it.

An invisible creature has infiltrated my mind. Like the ocean, my fear of the water became my most life-altering nightmare.

Plunging into the ocean would take bravery on my part … actually, bravery doesn’t begin to describe it.

At times, I cannot feel the ocean floor of my own mind … waves pounding me, pulling me under. All I can do is hold on, keep my head above water and pray like I never have before. All I can see is this magnificent body of water, surrounded by no chance of survival.

Then, out of nowhere, I find myself waist deep! My upper body is free. The changing tides that were just pulling me farther into the depths have now set my course toward shore. I can feel little fish swimming around, an occasional nip on my legs but who cares, right?

Things are still improving! I find myself knee deep!! I CAN SEE IT ALL!! Signs of life. Sand, crabs, shells, children playing over the shoreline … this is fantastic.

Finally, I am ankle deep!!  I’ve made it, once again. I feel the laps of water covering and uncovering my feet.

I am once again in control!

My “battle” with Bipolar Disorder began with complete ambiguity …

I could not live with it … 300413_10150357504322192_59453552191_8116607_804296249_n

Had no choice.

As with the ocean, I was forced to take the plunge into a frightful body of water.

In over my head: I can’t go there right now. Even thinking about those moments, being tossed about like a rag doll, threatens to pull me back …

Waist deep: Things seem to be very difficult with occasional hospitalizations, weird symptoms with OCDs, paranoia and depression set in.  Nevertheless, I’m waist deep …

Knee deep:  Life is improving … slowly but surely, this creature that had complete control over me is losing its battle. God and I, we got this!

Ankle deep:  VICTORY IN JESUS!!! My greatest dream … it’s here! I picture the time I spent in NYC with my beloved agent, Randy Motsinger.  The Ford Modeling Agency, world’s most prestigious and powerful has signed me on as a Ford model … I tell ya, I could have flown home without the plane!

This is my point: I HAD to manage this Bipolar; I could NOT let it manage me.  An invisible, life-threatening illness has been conquered with much faith, persistence, and the love of God …

… time and time again.

And guess who will be there next time …

Of this In Him, I have no doubt.


2 thoughts on “The Ocean

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